God's Grace

Wednesday nights are now officially Mommy/Daughter nights and this past Wednesday was a great one. It was raining and we decided to get the sled out and go up and down the ditches and then we stomped in the water and the rain. It was much fun. I remember watching Jim and Emily do that a lot. I guess it is my turn to fill that need. We did other things also. After I put her to bed, I did my usual - got out my bow stuff, turned on the TV and began watching my
recorded shows and making bows. Occasionally, I look up at Jim's pictures on the wall and the mantel then I go on about my work. I preface what I am going to write by some background info.

It has been over a year now and things have gotten better. I still cry. I cry because I miss him, I cry because he suffered, I cry because he cried. I cry because I feel so guilty that I wasn't smarter about Leukemia and went into it so helplessly, I cry at the deep loss of him for myself and Emily. But then I have to get back to my faith and the fact that if it was not his time God wouldn't have taken him. I know and always have known that he was with God. But yet I go down that dark pathway sometimes and I just pray to God that if I just knew for sure that he was ok and then I apologize for having so little faith.

I have smelled Jim ever since he passed - most of the time when I cry but other times also. I have shared that info with a few people I am very close to. I know some might think I am wacky but I don't really care. I thought at first that is was my imagination but it definitely is not. There have just been too many instances. I don't know, nor does any other human, what the other dimension holds. God knows. Jim now knows.

Anyway, back to my story. Jim's smell showed up and was really strong. So I just took a break and imagined him holding me in his arms. He was so big and strong and I always felt so loved and protected when he hugged me. I just closed my eyes and enjoyed the moment. I started thinking about the fact that I needed to finish watching our 8mm videos so that I can preserve all the Jim moments. I want to be sure Emily has all this when she gets older. I watched several of them the week that everyone was coming to Tulsa to remember his one year anniversary. I didn't really feel like watching them on this night because I really needed to get some work done and the watching of the tapes is so emotional. But I just kept getting this overwhelming urge to watch the tapes.

Finally I got up and went to the cabinet where we have always kept them and there was only one left. It was London 1999. Jim went to Paris and London on business in 1999. I went to Paris but didn't go to London with him - partly because I didn't want to make that 10 hour flight just 1 week after getting back from Paris and partly because we were going through invetro at the time and I was pregnant. We never got a heartbeat so it was an emotional time. I really missed Jim while he was gone. I guess he made a tape while he was over there. Not sure why I never watched it, probably because of where we were at with the invetro cycle. Anyway, he wasn't on the tape but he did narrate it. He showed my where he worked, his apartment, Big Ben, the changing of the guard, West Minster Abby, co-workers, public transportation, etc. It was nice hearing his voice narrating. He always had a very comical way of saying things. Anyway, towards the end of the film, he focuses in on some scripture on a building. I don't remember what all it said but I read it, I read it again and again, then I thought "Gee Jim, why are you staying on this so long?" Then it dawned on me. The last part of the scripture read: 'And to those who know him, God grants Eternal Life.' Oh my gosh, what a wonderful God we have. As undeserving as I am, he gave me the sign I prayed for. Jim's smell left. I just sat there on the couch in awe of God. Wow!

Now that a week has past, I still miss Jim but a heavy burden has lifted. I thank God for the time he gave me with Jim and the beautiful little girl he blessed me with - a part of Jim.