God's Grace

Wednesday nights are now officially Mommy/Daughter nights and this past Wednesday was a great one. It was raining and we decided to get the sled out and go up and down the ditches and then we stomped in the water and the rain. It was much fun. I remember watching Jim and Emily do that a lot. I guess it is my turn to fill that need. We did other things also. After I put her to bed, I did my usual - got out my bow stuff, turned on the TV and began watching my
recorded shows and making bows. Occasionally, I look up at Jim's pictures on the wall and the mantel then I go on about my work. I preface what I am going to write by some background info.

It has been over a year now and things have gotten better. I still cry. I cry because I miss him, I cry because he suffered, I cry because he cried. I cry because I feel so guilty that I wasn't smarter about Leukemia and went into it so helplessly, I cry at the deep loss of him for myself and Emily. But then I have to get back to my faith and the fact that if it was not his time God wouldn't have taken him. I know and always have known that he was with God. But yet I go down that dark pathway sometimes and I just pray to God that if I just knew for sure that he was ok and then I apologize for having so little faith.

I have smelled Jim ever since he passed - most of the time when I cry but other times also. I have shared that info with a few people I am very close to. I know some might think I am wacky but I don't really care. I thought at first that is was my imagination but it definitely is not. There have just been too many instances. I don't know, nor does any other human, what the other dimension holds. God knows. Jim now knows.

Anyway, back to my story. Jim's smell showed up and was really strong. So I just took a break and imagined him holding me in his arms. He was so big and strong and I always felt so loved and protected when he hugged me. I just closed my eyes and enjoyed the moment. I started thinking about the fact that I needed to finish watching our 8mm videos so that I can preserve all the Jim moments. I want to be sure Emily has all this when she gets older. I watched several of them the week that everyone was coming to Tulsa to remember his one year anniversary. I didn't really feel like watching them on this night because I really needed to get some work done and the watching of the tapes is so emotional. But I just kept getting this overwhelming urge to watch the tapes.

Finally I got up and went to the cabinet where we have always kept them and there was only one left. It was London 1999. Jim went to Paris and London on business in 1999. I went to Paris but didn't go to London with him - partly because I didn't want to make that 10 hour flight just 1 week after getting back from Paris and partly because we were going through invetro at the time and I was pregnant. We never got a heartbeat so it was an emotional time. I really missed Jim while he was gone. I guess he made a tape while he was over there. Not sure why I never watched it, probably because of where we were at with the invetro cycle. Anyway, he wasn't on the tape but he did narrate it. He showed my where he worked, his apartment, Big Ben, the changing of the guard, West Minster Abby, co-workers, public transportation, etc. It was nice hearing his voice narrating. He always had a very comical way of saying things. Anyway, towards the end of the film, he focuses in on some scripture on a building. I don't remember what all it said but I read it, I read it again and again, then I thought "Gee Jim, why are you staying on this so long?" Then it dawned on me. The last part of the scripture read: 'And to those who know him, God grants Eternal Life.' Oh my gosh, what a wonderful God we have. As undeserving as I am, he gave me the sign I prayed for. Jim's smell left. I just sat there on the couch in awe of God. Wow!

Now that a week has past, I still miss Jim but a heavy burden has lifted. I thank God for the time he gave me with Jim and the beautiful little girl he blessed me with - a part of Jim.

McDonalds' Drive-thru Window

One of the funniest memories of Jim was when we were at the drive-thru window at McDonalds. We had ordered 2 shakes. The girl brought one to the window ledge, sat it down and went to make the other one. While she was gone, Jim took the shake and sat it in the car. She came back with the 2nd shake, saw the 1st one not there and just shook her head and went back to make another shake. While she was gone, Jim put the shake he took, back on the window ledge. She came back and now had three shakes. She was so flustered and saying, 'I do not know what is wrong with me'. Jim said 'I only ordered 2 shakes, but I'll take that 3rd one if you are just going to throw it away.' Of couse, she gave it to him. You had to be there, but is was so funny and Jim kept such a straight face.

Anytime we went to a restaurant, the first thing Jim would do is order a large drink and then tell the waitstaff to keep his drink full and that the tip would reflect it. And he always tried to talk them into something free or an extra portion. He had this whole routine. I used to get embarrassed but learned to get over it. He was a very big tipper. I liked that about him. Extremely generous.

Emily's Bike Memory

Today Emily got a new bike. She is between a 16" and a 20" so we got her an 18". She was riding her bike and she said that when her Daddy had just taught her how to ride without training wheels, she had a wreck. He was telling her that he was proud of her and that he didn't get his training wheels off until he was 8. She also took both feet off the pedals and said 'Look. This is what Daddy used to do all the time.'

Anyway, I told her that I was writing down my memories of him so I wouldn't lose them and she wants to do the same thing. This is one of hers.

Memories

"When you lose someone," says Dr. H. Norman Wright, "what you have left basically are the memories. At first they're so sharp that they hurt. In time those memories begin to dull. They diminish. That in itself is another loss that you have to go through. In writing about it, you don't lose those memories. They're always there in black and white."

For I wrote you out of great distress and anguish of heart and with many tears, not to grieve you but to let you know the depth of my love for you" (2 Corinthians 2:4).

Lord, give me the discipline and the courage to sit down and write out special memories about my loved one - James Minich. Thank you, Jesus, Amen.

The above passage was taken from my GriefShare daily email. As the one year anniversary of Jim's death approaches, I feel that it is time to start documenting the memories I have of him. I as so afraid of forgetting them and I want to be sure Emily has them all.

Today's memory is that I came home from work one day and Jim had replaced all the toilet seats. He didn't tell me he was doing it, he just did it and surprised me. I was always complaining that the seats are cold. I don't like the cold. So I got a soft, cushiony seat in my bathroom and in the hall bath. Emily got a really cute one - blue (Jim's favorite color) with fish and dolfhins on it. I came home and didn't notice it until later that evening. I was so ecstatic. He loved it when I thought he was the coolest.