I copied this off Facebook.  My friend Janda had posted it. It so deeply describes grief for me.  Enjoy.
One Fit Widow

 

I wish you knew....

I wish you knew that when I went through my darkest days of grief, it was harder for to be with some of those people I loved. Seeing everyon...e's life stay the same while mine had fallen apart was more than I could handle. I know you love me, so that didn't make sense to you, but it's impossible to explain to those who haven't lived it.

I wish you knew how much I love talking about him. Even all these years later, it makes me smile to hear you tell stories and remind me how he impacted your life. Saying his name is one of the most comforting things you can do for our kids and me.
I wish you knew how horrifically lonely it all was. In fact, lonely does not even start to explain the way it felt. Even in a room full of people who love you-you feel utterly alone without your person.
I wish you knew I was not strong and inspiring and brave...just a survivor. Telling me how strong I was all the time just made me feel like I had to look and be a certain way to continue being "an inspiration."
I wish you knew how traumatic it all was. From the first phone call and every moment after, it's more than most humans should be asked to live with.
I wish you knew how powerful shock is on the human body. It makes you feel completely detached and inhuman while looking and sounding well composed and amazingly put together. Well, at least that's what it did to me....we all handle shock differently.
I wish you knew how badly I will always hurt for our kids. It never goes away; it's a forever part of who I am.
I wish you knew that you being there for us the first few weeks was great, but I didn't start to NEED you till later on when everyone left and forgot our pain. I needed you six months down the road, a year, two years. Grief is often harder when the shock wears off, and the real pain sets in. There is no timeline for that pain.
I wish you knew how life altering it all was.
I wish you knew that people aren't replaceable and new love, new relationships, and new chapters don't mean we've forgotten or stopped loving them. What's new is new, and it's incredible and beautiful and provides new stories and life but has nothing to do with the pain of loss.
I wish you knew to let it all go and LIVE before you know what I know.
I wish you knew not to waste your life because time is so very short.
I wish you knew....
Good night world,
Michelle

Well today is 10 years.  Seems like yesterday and seems like a decade ago.  I am so thankful that I knew him, was married to him, had a life with him.  I will always have an emptiness in my heart without him.  Emily and I are doing well.  She is 16 years old now, has her drivers license and doing well in school.  She is so much Jim. It is crazy how much of him he left with her.  I miss you Jim.  I will see you again.  Today I took some time to look at some past pictures.  Here are some of my favorites.  They are not in any particular order, just pictures of him being him:

My sweet Jim - 8 years today.  Wow, 8 years.  Still hard to believe that you got leukemia and passed away.  I know you are in heaven with our creator but I still miss you.  I still think of you often.  Today we went to the blueberry farm with a friend and her kids and met Tony and Rikki and boys there.  So much has changed, family life, technology, the world we live in, Emily, me.  Truly miss you.  I am thankful for the time we had and the love that I got to get the privilege of knowing/feeling.
Here is a picture of Emily.  14 years old.  She looks a lot like you and definitely has your personality.  You guys would have had fun!

You would have loved the grandsons.  I can see you wrestling with them.  I would have loved that.  The middle one, Jax, has leukemia.  It brings back a lot of memories.  He has been a trooper, just like you.  He doesn't complain and takes things in stride just like you did.  I am very proud of him.  Here is a picture of him and my friend's son Noah, looking at the chickens at the blueberry farm.

I will always miss you.  Until I see you again......

Happy Birthday Jim!  Miss you every moment! Love you always!

My sweet, sweet Jim.  It has been six years.  Wow.  Miss ya!  Every year I say that I am going to take this day to myself and just wallow in my loss.  And every year, my day fills totally up with things to do.  Today after I took Emily to school,  I went swimming and then biking with a dear, dear friend of mine, came home and straightened the house, went to Target to buy pool toys and misc.  Emily got out at noon today so we had a pizza and pool party for her and some school friends until time for Volleyball, then grocery store and got gasoline.  Finally home and it is 8:30 and Emily has two girls spending the night.  I guess it was not meant to be this year either.   

Here are a couple of pictures of Jim that I like: 

I treasure all the pictures I have of him.  I'm so glad that I took lots of them.

 

Was he a hunka hunka or what?  He loved the water so much!

5 Years Today

It has been 5 years today that Emily and I began our life journey without Jim.  It hasn't been easy and sometimes it was so hard that I felt on the brink of giving up, but, thankfully, God has always been there to pull me up.  The pain, the loss, all of that is still just as great as ever.  It seems like yesterday that he left.  Then sometimes it seems like it was 100 years ago and I am going to forget what he looks like or forget his playful nature or his giving spirit.  I miss that man.  I often wonder what he is doing.  I think about what he is experiencing being in the presence of God, knowing all the mysteries, being incredibly happy with no sorrow and no pain.  I know he is watching Emily grow up and I know he is very proud of her.  I don't know how God does it but I know he handles all that.  Emily is just now beginning to want to look at videos of him.  She was very angry for a long time.  She is doing well now.  She wants to put together a video of his life.  She loves tinkering with video software.  I wonder where she gets that.  Jim would have loved being a grandpa to Kru and Jax.  Oh my gosh, it would have been right up his alley.  They would never lack for someone to play with.  I miss watching he and Emily play.  What a delight that was.  I hate that Emily doesn't get to experience that anymore.  I think it is a very important part of growing up.  God promises in his Word that he will be her father - that he will make sure she is taken care of.  I believe that with all my heart and I have to rely on him totally because I know how incompetent I am without God's guidance, forgiveness, comfort, hope and his loving kindness.  I am thankful to God that I am not lonely, that I can focus on Emily and other things that are important in our lives right now.  I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that I will walk with the Lord and he will pave the way.  Jim, sweet sunshine, I miss you and I love you and I will see you again!

Happy Birthday Jim - May 9th, 2011

Since we moved to California, we can't visit Jim's graveside so we started an annual tradition of doing something nice for somebody.  Jim always did things for people and enjoyed it so much.  He was definitely a giver.  We had new neighbors move in recently so we baked some cookies and then went around the neighborhood collecting flowers from each one to make a beautiful bouquet.  We then rang the door bell and welcomed the new neighbors into the neighborhood with the cookies and flower bouquet.  It was good.

Four Years Without You

My precious Jim, God's precious Jim, I am having a real hard time keeping it together as the anniversary of your death approaches. I know it is a physical death. I know you are in heaven with God. But I miss you. I miss you so much. I can't believe it has been four years. Four years since I lost my soul mate. Four years since I lost the only man I truely loved. Four years since I lost my very best friend. And I still grieve for you. My heart bleeds for you. You were the person for me. Oh God, I miss him so much. I am trying hard to be a good mom, a good person, a good Christian and my life is good and I am grateful but there is still a empty place in my heart that I see no way to ever fill. Jim, I'm sad that you're not here. I'm sad that you suffered. I am sad that you died. I'm sad Emily doesn't have you as her Daddy. What a loss. God forgive me, I know that you are in complete control, that it was your plan to take Jim and I know that I/we will be ok. But I am weak especially during this time of remembering and feeling sorry for myself. God, as I walk with you, give me strength to remember Jim with happiness and not sadness. Help me to be comforted in knowing he is with you and that I will see him again and that he is watching over us. Amen. I miss you Jim.

Emily and Jim in their element.

I found a place that would digitize my 8mm tapes - imemories.com. They did a great job of digitizing the videos we had made during our time with Jim. The video below is Jim and Emily in the tub. They both dearly love the water and would take a bath for hours just playing. Jim was so patient. I ran across this while reviewing the tapes. It brought back lots of memories. Miss you Jim.

Emily's Birthday

Emily turned 10 years old today. She had a very special birthday and enjoyed it. She told me it was a great birthday but it still feels like something is missing - her Dad. She knows Jim is in heaven, just like I do. She is such a strong girl. But she misses him and she is sad when she thinks about him. I hurt for her. But we both know it was God's plan and we are ok with that. We just miss him. I think about all the things I miss about Jim and our life with him. The thing I miss the very most is watching him and Emily play. I always laughed so hard. They were so cute together. Jim was such a joy as a dad. He would be very proud of her. She is growing into a beautiful girl, full of spirit and goodness, very intelligent, very creative. We miss you Jim.

Today would have been Jim's 42nd birthday. He always liked birthdays. On his 35th birthday, I threw him a surprise birthday party. He had no clue. It was so much fun. Jim was never very observant when it came to house things. My refrigerator was full of food for the party, the house was really clean, etc. He never noticed. Believe me, I have the emptiest refrigerator. You would think a bachelor lives there. I am just not good about stocking up or keeping left overs. Everyone parked down the street so he wouldn't catch on. He was so happy and thanked my later for such a great birthday party. I remember grilling steak and chicken. It all turned out perfect. I liked making him happy. I liked waiting on him. He loved for me to fill his dinner plate for him and take it to him, bring him water, a blanket, whatever. He was very good to me also. I sure miss that guy. Happy Birthday Sweet Jim. You are my sunshine.

Here is an entry I made on Jim's blog right after he went to heaven. It is a letter to Emily about her Dad. Enjoy:



Entry for May 9, 2007 Jim's 39th Birthday


To Emily,



Today is your Daddy's Birthday. He is 39 years old. You and I decided that we would go to Daddy's graveside and then to the park and feed the ducks. You told me I couldn't be sad today because it was a day of celebration and that I had to smile all day. We took Daddy a Happy Birthday balloon, tied it onto his marker and sang him Happy Birthday. You were on my back holding the umbrella because it was raining and really wet.



I want to tell you what a wonderful Dad you have.



When you were born, I think he was the happiest he had ever been. He wasn't the least bit afraid of picking up this tiny little girl. He was so happy to have you. He would hold you for hours and talk to you like you knew everything he said. It brought me so much joy to see you two together.



We worked flex hours so that we could both watch you. I worked in the morning and him from home and the evenings. Every morning you would get up in his lap and have him read to you. When you got older you would watch Jetski videos or cartoons sitting on his lap. He didn't like changing diapers but he did it and his diapers always looked neater than mine. Not sure how he did it. He had this routine when he changed your diaper that was absolutely hilarious. He would first spray the changing table and area with Lysol, lay you on a pad on the table, take his shirt and put it up over his nose and begin to change your diaper. He used to send me emails about his diaper duties. Every day when I got home, he would tell me all the cool things you did that day. He would have you make your bed and straighten your room. He never gave you sugar or candy. I guess that is why you don't care much for it now or at least at six. He taught you sign language when you were really little so you could communicate to us when you were hungry, needed more or said thank you.



When you were four, you drew a picture of Jesus and got on your Daddy's shoulders and held it up for God to see. Your Dad was so proud of you.



He loved swimming at the pool or in the lake with you. He would hold you on the kneeboard when you were just a baby and taught you to do it yourself when you were 4 or 5. He was really proud that you liked the water as much as he did. You two would swim in the coldest water. Mommy would just watch. When you got tired on the boat you would always crawl up under his drivers seat and fall asleep. He loved that.



He loved taking you to Millers Swim School when you were nine months old to take your swim lessons. He would be right there with all the mommies in the water and only have his eyes on you.



You loved Larry Boy (a VeggieTales character). When it finally wore out and you needed another one, your Daddy found you a really big one. He put it on your bed and took step by step pictures of you finding it. He then sent them to me at work. Once for my birthday, he sent me a .wave file of you singing Happy Birthday to me. I cried, it was so sweet. He said it took several practice tries. He was so patient and caring with you. I can remember several times when you didn't want to do something only to change your mind when Daddy said he was going to tickle you silly.



He loved going to your preschool class and reading Dr. Suess books. He had most of them memorized. He could make any kind of voice and did a great Donald Duck voice. When he read to you, all the characters came alive in his voice. He went to all your field trips and loved being there.



When you were 5 you would sit and watch Truck TV with your Dad and actually enjoy it. He was so proud. If you fell asleep while on his lap, he would just keep holding you until you woke up. He loved you so much.



Once he broke his ankle while Jetskiing so to have a hobby (since he couldn't jetski), he built you a huge train table and bought you a train and the landscaping to go on it. You two would work in the garage on it for several hours a week. You would always help him, whether it was working on the jetski, putting the play yard together or changing the oil in the cars.



He loved riding his BMX bike. When you were little, he would carry you in one arm and steer the bike with the other. All the kids in the neighborhood would come over and ask me if Jim could play. He would air up their bike tires, teach them bike jumps or tricks, race them - all kinds of fun things. He loved everyone of those kids and truely enjoyed spending time with them.



Your Daddy had fun and he made sure everyone else did too. I once told him that it was his fault that I was getting laugh lines because he made me laugh all the time. And there was nothing he couldn't do and most things he did better than most. He would wear himself out playing outside, at the lake, wakeboard, snow skiing, jetskiing, at whatever he did. Everything he did, he did to the fullest.



Your Daddy was a good husband also. He thought I was something and I know he loved me very much. When he went into the ICU, the last words he said to me were 'I love you.' He always unloaded the dishwasher, picked up after himself, took good care of the yard, bought me great gifts. He could come up with the neatest ways to surprise me with things. He was my best friend. I could tell him anything, anytime. He was and still is my hero.



He was very generous. I can't tell you the number of computers he reworked for people and didn't charge them. He once bought some anti-virus software for the neighbors after fixing their machine for the 4th or 5th time and never told them about it. He never talked bad about people, it just wasn't something he thought about. He was very special Emily. I am so greatful that we were able to have known him for the first six years of your life. He taught us both so much.



Emily, he was so smart. He could always figure things out. He was a great computer programmer. He and Uncle Bob could spend hours talking together about things way over my head. And he loved technology. He would always be the first to go out and buy some new gadget, the latest video or stereo equipment. He would always say, 'Don't be afraid to buy the best.'



In closing, your Daddy loved life and he lived every moment of it with no reqrets. You were the sparkle in his eyes and he so wanted to watch you grow up, teach you how to wakeboard, take you snowskiing, so many things. But God called him home. I know he is watching over us and he still has that sparkle in his eyes everytime he sees you. We'll see him again someday.



- Mommy

I ran across this picture and had to post it. When we went camping, Jim made sure he brought all the toys. If it would have been legal, he would have added more to the back. He was such a great driver - always tried to get me to drive the camper but I never would. I would follow behind driving the boat. Miss you Jim.

Playing in the Rain

I ran across these pictures of Jim and Emily playing in the rain. It would be pouring down rain and he would pull her up and down the water ditch on her sled. Then they would sit and kick water on each other. I loved watching them play. Miss you Jim.

Two Years Today

I still can't believe Jim is not here. I especially can't believe it has been two years. Our lives have changed so much. I often wonder what we would be doing if Jim had lived. Emily got babtized today. I am so proud of her. I know Jim was there - watching and proud of her also. Yesterday, I spent some time thinking of Jim, I went to his grave - that's always very sad. I think it is seeing his name in writing with the dates overhead - not sure. Or maybe it is just the fact that he is not here.

I watched a video of Emily's third birthday. Jim was taking the video. She was really into Larry Boy at the time and talked my into making a Larry Bow cake. You could hear Jim singing the Larry Boy song as he video taped everything. He did a good Larry Boy impression.

I'm really glad that Jim was able to be in Emily's life during her formative years. She has so many of his qualities. One quality I admired about Jim was that he made life simple and had fun. He was definately one that lived in the present. I hope that her life will be like that. He was able to live life to it's very fullest. I think that is how God intends for it to be. Me, I was better at having fun when Jim was around but I am working on it.

With God's guidance, another chapter will open. Life goes on and we do the best we can.

Precious Moments

I ran across a couple of emails of Jim's I thought I would share. We had flex hours so he would watch Emily while I worked from 5:00 till 1:00 and then he would go into work. He would always send me emails and tell me cute little things she did.

Daddy's Helper
Mr. Brown Can Moo

Last Pictures

I ran across some pictures I took of us all playing together in Jim's computer room on Feb 1st, 2007, about 2 weeks before he found out he had Leukemia. I knew I had taken these but only found them this evening. I sure miss him. So does Emily. He was so much fun! Looking back at these pictures, he looked so thin and I can see some bruising but we didn't have a clue. I can also see where he cut himself shaving. We thought he had a cold.
He is teaching Emily how to stand on her head.

She loves her Daddy.

Jim and Emily would watch Grommit and would duplicate how he said 'Cheese'.

The Memory Quilt

When I lost Jim, I had all this 'stuff' of his. One of those items was his t-shirts. He loved getting a t-shirt anytime he went somewhere special. I decided to cut them up in squares for a quilt and worked up the courage to ask Jim's Aunt Judy to put it together. She is amazingly talented. Jim loved his Aunt Judy so much. He loved her cooking for him and playing Bridge with him. Judy finished the quilt in August and presented it to Emily while she was here (from Michigan) for Ed and Lois's 50th wedding anniversary. It is amazing. I was so surprised at my reaction - each square brought back a special memory. Judy wrote a note on the back to Emily as well as placed a picture of Jim on it. Today would have been our 10th wedding anniversary.
Square 1 - Red Cross T-Shirt: Jim loved giving blood and platelets. He liked doing something good for someone and then getting cookies and orange juice afterwards.
Square 2 - Toyota: Jim had this when I met him. He drove a black Toyota Tacoma. He was pretty handsome driving that truck. He hauled a lot with it.
Square 3 - Vyvx Fiber Team: I always got freebe shirts in Jim's size. He loved it.
Square 4 - Cozumel: I finally talked Jim into a warm weather vacation. We all had a blast. I loved watching him and Emily snorkel, play on the beach and swim in the pool.
Square 5 - Minich Migration: The Minichs drive from all over the U.S. to meet for Thanksgiving dinner. We went most years. There is usually from 100 to 115 people every year. This particular year, I loaned Jim my car to drive up there. It was snow and ice most of the way. He said he couldn't get much over 70 because of the ice packed roads.
Square 6 - Sweet Jim. I like this picture, not sure when it was taken.
Square 7 - This shirt was from Excaret. It was an adventure theme park at Playa del Carmen when we went to Cozumel in 2005. Jim absolutely loved the ferry trip between the two islands. I enjoyed watching him and Emily snorkeling. She would get so excited seeing a fish. I could see her pointing to the fish showing her Daddy. Emily left her blankie at the hotel when we left. Jim paid for an empty cab to go to the hotel, pick up her blankie and bring it to us at the airport.
Square 8 - Someone gave him this shirt. He loved Dr. Suess and read his books to Emily and at the preschool at our church and to Emily's classroom at Rejoice. He had several memorized from cover to cover. He was so cute reading them. His Mother gave him 'Oh The Place You Will Go' for graduation. We as a family got a lot of enjoyment out of Jim reading those books.
Square 9 - Hey! That thing got a Hemi? Jim taught Emily to say that when he got his truck in 2004. He was quite proud of his Hemi. Tony has it now and it very proud that it belonged to Jim.
Square 10 - Amy Grant. Jim loved music. He had quite the collection of albums, mp3s, cds and on and on. If he liked someone, he would buy every album they ever had. We would go on vacation to Michigan and never have to hear the same song twice. He has passed on his love for music and his music tastes to his daughter.
Square 11 - Winter Blast. This was a church shirt. He loved our church and was so involved in activities. He played volleyball, basketball, baseball. He helped me teach on Wednesdays, helped with TAG, was on the chain ministry, worked in the nursery, helped with communion, and on and on. We were/are so greatful for our church. They were so there for us during all of this - First Christian Church Owasso Oklahoma.
Square 12 - Myers Plumbing. This is Jim's cousins business in Michigan. Jim was very proud of this t-shirt and just loved seeing Robyn and her family. He thought they were so cool. And they are! Robyn's mother made this quilt.
Square 13 - Awe. Jim and Emily. This is one of my favorite pictures. It so shows his love for her and how precious she was to him. I loved watching them play.
Square 14 - MCI. This is where Jim worked. They were very much family to him - to us. During his illness, they took such good care of us. I was so impressed with how much they loved Jim. He was so darn smart and had such a sweet spirit. One of my favorite stories of him at work was when I first started working there and we were playing volleyball. The team was divided up and, of course, Jim's side always won. We were in a team meeting and someone was commenting about Jim playing so well and said we needed to put a handicap on him. Jim held up his arm with no hand and said 'duh'. He was so funny.

More to come.....

Jim's Back Roll

Jim worked really hard to perfect his backroll on the wakeboard and he would always do one for me when I asked him to. I just think it is so cool. Here is a clip of his infamous backroll. Enjoy!!

Last Moments

Recently I can't seem to get his last words to me off my mind. Dave had come from Arizona to sit with Jim at the hospital. We kept someone there continuously because the care was lacking to say the least. It got so bad at one point and I was so angry that I wrote every thing down on paper. Anyway, it was the second night Dave stayed with him so I could get some much needed rest and work done. Dave called me in the middle of the night and said something was very wrong with Jimmy and they are taking him to ICU. I rushed to the hospital to find them putting the ventilator mask over his face. Jim voiced 'I love you', closed his eyes and motioned me to go on as they were telling me to leave. There was blood all over the mask. He was so brave. I should have known he knew things were bad. He never told me he loved me first unless he was in trouble or it was a very special occasion. We almost lost him the next day. The care was much better in ICU. We had no idea what we were getting into when all this started. I didn't even know was Leukemia was.

I miss him so very much. I miss our life together. I miss our plans and our dreams. I miss watching our favorite shows togeter. It hurts so much losing him. The depth of my loss is so great when I let myself think about all the things that will never be.

Pete - Wahoo

The picture on the right with Jim holding a ski rope is one of my favorite pics of him. He was having so much fun at the time and was saying 'Wahoo'. He had just taught a good buddy of his how to wakeboard. It to probably 2 1/2 hours of continuous trying to get Pete up on the wakeboard. He wasn't giving up and neither was Jim. Me, I was ready to try it another day after about 30 minutes. Once Pete did get up, he instantly started trying to do tricks. Jim loved going to the lake with Pete. He was the one person that would get out there and literally wear himself out on the wakeboard or jetski. Jim just thought he was the greatest. I thought it was great that Jim had someone that would keep up with him and it was such a joy to watch them 'play'. Jim certainly knew how to have fun.

God's Grace

Wednesday nights are now officially Mommy/Daughter nights and this past Wednesday was a great one. It was raining and we decided to get the sled out and go up and down the ditches and then we stomped in the water and the rain. It was much fun. I remember watching Jim and Emily do that a lot. I guess it is my turn to fill that need. We did other things also. After I put her to bed, I did my usual - got out my bow stuff, turned on the TV and began watching my
recorded shows and making bows. Occasionally, I look up at Jim's pictures on the wall and the mantel then I go on about my work. I preface what I am going to write by some background info.

It has been over a year now and things have gotten better. I still cry. I cry because I miss him, I cry because he suffered, I cry because he cried. I cry because I feel so guilty that I wasn't smarter about Leukemia and went into it so helplessly, I cry at the deep loss of him for myself and Emily. But then I have to get back to my faith and the fact that if it was not his time God wouldn't have taken him. I know and always have known that he was with God. But yet I go down that dark pathway sometimes and I just pray to God that if I just knew for sure that he was ok and then I apologize for having so little faith.

I have smelled Jim ever since he passed - most of the time when I cry but other times also. I have shared that info with a few people I am very close to. I know some might think I am wacky but I don't really care. I thought at first that is was my imagination but it definitely is not. There have just been too many instances. I don't know, nor does any other human, what the other dimension holds. God knows. Jim now knows.

Anyway, back to my story. Jim's smell showed up and was really strong. So I just took a break and imagined him holding me in his arms. He was so big and strong and I always felt so loved and protected when he hugged me. I just closed my eyes and enjoyed the moment. I started thinking about the fact that I needed to finish watching our 8mm videos so that I can preserve all the Jim moments. I want to be sure Emily has all this when she gets older. I watched several of them the week that everyone was coming to Tulsa to remember his one year anniversary. I didn't really feel like watching them on this night because I really needed to get some work done and the watching of the tapes is so emotional. But I just kept getting this overwhelming urge to watch the tapes.

Finally I got up and went to the cabinet where we have always kept them and there was only one left. It was London 1999. Jim went to Paris and London on business in 1999. I went to Paris but didn't go to London with him - partly because I didn't want to make that 10 hour flight just 1 week after getting back from Paris and partly because we were going through invetro at the time and I was pregnant. We never got a heartbeat so it was an emotional time. I really missed Jim while he was gone. I guess he made a tape while he was over there. Not sure why I never watched it, probably because of where we were at with the invetro cycle. Anyway, he wasn't on the tape but he did narrate it. He showed my where he worked, his apartment, Big Ben, the changing of the guard, West Minster Abby, co-workers, public transportation, etc. It was nice hearing his voice narrating. He always had a very comical way of saying things. Anyway, towards the end of the film, he focuses in on some scripture on a building. I don't remember what all it said but I read it, I read it again and again, then I thought "Gee Jim, why are you staying on this so long?" Then it dawned on me. The last part of the scripture read: 'And to those who know him, God grants Eternal Life.' Oh my gosh, what a wonderful God we have. As undeserving as I am, he gave me the sign I prayed for. Jim's smell left. I just sat there on the couch in awe of God. Wow!

Now that a week has past, I still miss Jim but a heavy burden has lifted. I thank God for the time he gave me with Jim and the beautiful little girl he blessed me with - a part of Jim.

McDonalds' Drive-thru Window

One of the funniest memories of Jim was when we were at the drive-thru window at McDonalds. We had ordered 2 shakes. The girl brought one to the window ledge, sat it down and went to make the other one. While she was gone, Jim took the shake and sat it in the car. She came back with the 2nd shake, saw the 1st one not there and just shook her head and went back to make another shake. While she was gone, Jim put the shake he took, back on the window ledge. She came back and now had three shakes. She was so flustered and saying, 'I do not know what is wrong with me'. Jim said 'I only ordered 2 shakes, but I'll take that 3rd one if you are just going to throw it away.' Of couse, she gave it to him. You had to be there, but is was so funny and Jim kept such a straight face.

Anytime we went to a restaurant, the first thing Jim would do is order a large drink and then tell the waitstaff to keep his drink full and that the tip would reflect it. And he always tried to talk them into something free or an extra portion. He had this whole routine. I used to get embarrassed but learned to get over it. He was a very big tipper. I liked that about him. Extremely generous.

Emily's Bike Memory

Today Emily got a new bike. She is between a 16" and a 20" so we got her an 18". She was riding her bike and she said that when her Daddy had just taught her how to ride without training wheels, she had a wreck. He was telling her that he was proud of her and that he didn't get his training wheels off until he was 8. She also took both feet off the pedals and said 'Look. This is what Daddy used to do all the time.'

Anyway, I told her that I was writing down my memories of him so I wouldn't lose them and she wants to do the same thing. This is one of hers.

Memories

"When you lose someone," says Dr. H. Norman Wright, "what you have left basically are the memories. At first they're so sharp that they hurt. In time those memories begin to dull. They diminish. That in itself is another loss that you have to go through. In writing about it, you don't lose those memories. They're always there in black and white."

For I wrote you out of great distress and anguish of heart and with many tears, not to grieve you but to let you know the depth of my love for you" (2 Corinthians 2:4).

Lord, give me the discipline and the courage to sit down and write out special memories about my loved one - James Minich. Thank you, Jesus, Amen.

The above passage was taken from my GriefShare daily email. As the one year anniversary of Jim's death approaches, I feel that it is time to start documenting the memories I have of him. I as so afraid of forgetting them and I want to be sure Emily has them all.

Today's memory is that I came home from work one day and Jim had replaced all the toilet seats. He didn't tell me he was doing it, he just did it and surprised me. I was always complaining that the seats are cold. I don't like the cold. So I got a soft, cushiony seat in my bathroom and in the hall bath. Emily got a really cute one - blue (Jim's favorite color) with fish and dolfhins on it. I came home and didn't notice it until later that evening. I was so ecstatic. He loved it when I thought he was the coolest.